Monday, February 4, 2008
Parade of Assholes Part One
The Mole Man
The Mole Man begins a long line of a series of people that made my life Hell-like for the simple reason that perhaps they didn't have enough orgasms. Or something. Fuck, it had to come from somewhere.
I will be using cute little pseudonyms for all people involved, at least until I double-check the legality of free speech. One doesn't want to be sued for slander, you know. The people that frequented my store and my life should be able to figure out what's what, and as for anybody that didn't...well, you probably won't meet any of these people anyway so what do you care? And if you do happen to find yourself within 100 feet of the people described in this forum... run. Run!
So we start first with the Mole Man. Why do I call him the Mole Man? Dude looks just like him. Sometimes things really are that simple. His real name was so goofy, however, that it sounds like he descended from the hobbits from... The Hobbit. I swear. Judging from his height, appearance, and personality, he may just have indeed called Bilbo brother.
He was a shorter, stout man in his early 30s, though scientists and gay fashion critics agree he looked 10-15 years older. He had some sort of floppy hairdo, which hadn't been in fashion since never. He wore wire-framed glasses, had some jowlin' going on, and a voice as high and nerdy as they come. Now, surely with an outside this... eccentric, he must have had an inside as pure and lovely as Jennifer Love Hewitt's bosoms. But oh no. The Master of all Creation was thinking something new with this guy came from the E-Z Bake Person Maker. He was thinking outside the box.
Mole Man was and is an elitist. He would practically have an epileptic seizure when I would suggest something written by Mark Millar. He would talk occasionally of how popular things suck. Really, I didn't interact with him much when he came in sporadically. It's what I discovered afterwards that made him worthy of such purple prose of which I am spittin' like I is on fire.
Mole Man has a LiveJournal. That is sad. That is slit-your-wrists sad that he has one at 35. That is seriously-go-drink-bleach sad that he has LJ "dramas" that a teenager would eschew as immature. Turns out he's something of a creeper and not one for the ladies (I am as shocked as you are) so he's had some troubles with that. His journal is a love affair with music fit for any old hipster to pretend to like. He also is a huge Anglophile. Now the things with Anglophiles is that I've found they're either lonely women who aren't attractive enough for American men, or dudes that hold pretentions, enjoy boring things, and secretly smoke pole. Don't believe me? It's on Wikipedia! (May not be on Wikipedia) So this a-hole's idea of Heaven is a lifetime of Doctor Who episodes and 2000AD comics... two things 98% of the greatest country in the world could give two flying fucks about. (The U.S. hates them too. I was referring to the country of Estonia earlier)
This jackoff also wrote a couple of posts about how me and my comic shop sucked. Apparently we don't order enough Ghost World and don't spin enough Roxy Music. I know, it's weird seeing as how there's a huge market for that stuff in the suburbs of the South. I don't know what we were thinking. Well, now I have a post about how his divorced-and-his-wife-has-a-kid-with-another-dude-how-emasculating-is-that ass. Oh, and people agreed with me that he looked like Mole Man. Haw!
P.S. He brought this other big nerd in once, and the guy looked at this rare Red Skull Heroclix (don't ask) and said "$20! I can find this on eBay for $5!" or something, to which I have the helpful suggestion of "You better get your ass online, then!" Idiot.