Comic Fans Hate Comics

At least, on the internet.

The one thing you always have to remember is that on the internet, 98% of comic books suck. Marvel books, DC books, Image books... no one really talks about the indie stuff. I think it's because it would just be too fucking stupid to debate about how Dork hasn't been the same since Evan Dorkin found Prozac or how Chip Ware sold out or the new costume being worn by the latest moper in Optic Nerve is lame.

According to the critics online, Bill Jemas is the Antichrist, Joe Quesada is a terrorist, and shit that's 20 years old was the best it will ever be. Gwen Stacy having an affair with Norman Osborn, Spider-Man making a deal with Mephisto, Iron Man hunting down Captain America for the government, all of these things are the equivalent of "Lost" ending with Matthew Fox waking up with drool on his shirt and a "Lost" script in his lap, and then calling his agent saying that it was a trippy read and that he'll take the role of Jack. (Holy crap, I just figured out how they're gonna end "Lost!")

Never mind the fact that the majority of almost everything sucks, from music to TV to movies. Never mind the fact that being emotionally invested in something that has undergone numerous changes, often including deaths and weddings and births and drug habits, for over 70 years in some cases. Things suck. Though damned if they can't stop reading.

There was a comment in a talkback on Ain't It Cool News (I know, my fault for going there) about how someone would "never buy Spider-Man again", but would continue to read it in Border's. What the fucking shit?!? That's like how someone is never going to watch "Heroes" again, but will download the torrents. Or how someone is absolutely appalled at the fact that 007 is a blonde now... so they will just have to sneak into "Quantum of Solace". Boy, the Rolling Stones sure do suck now. I'll have to check out that album on Limewire.

Here's a radical idea... if you don't like something, don't fucking read it! This industry has the worst fans. The only other industry that is worse off is the gaming industry (tabletop and card, not video-you know, the type of gaming no one does anymore). Comic fans are whiny and selfish and feel like they own the characters and are entitled to everything. Why can't things stay the same, except for changes that they agree with? Why can't comics be as exactly as they were in 1986?

What makes things worse is that secretly, every one of them dreams of creating comics. Oh sure, what Mark Millar and J. Michael Straczynski is doing is a travesty. Why won't anyone from the Big Apple call Joe Dieavirgin in Podunk, Arkansas? Can't they see only he has the love and talent to make the Hulk great again? I don't think one good writer has come from a forum. Not one. Real writers are getting experience, reading, writing, living life. Things normal people do.

If you ever want to get the urge to swallow bullets, hang around Ain't It Cool and Newsarama for starters. I'm sure I'll get other suggestions, but these two are bad enough. Be sure to say hi to the guy that knows for a fact that DC is better than Marvel and the guy that cried when Blue Beetle got shot Leo DiCaprio style.

Sigh...

Parade of Assholes Part One

The Mole Man

The Mole Man begins a long line of a series of people that made my life Hell-like for the simple reason that perhaps they didn't have enough orgasms. Or something. Fuck, it had to come from somewhere.

I will be using cute little pseudonyms for all people involved, at least until I double-check the legality of free speech. One doesn't want to be sued for slander, you know. The people that frequented my store and my life should be able to figure out what's what, and as for anybody that didn't...well, you probably won't meet any of these people anyway so what do you care? And if you do happen to find yourself within 100 feet of the people described in this forum... run. Run!

So we start first with the Mole Man. Why do I call him the Mole Man? Dude looks just like him. Sometimes things really are that simple. His real name was so goofy, however, that it sounds like he descended from the hobbits from... The Hobbit. I swear. Judging from his height, appearance, and personality, he may just have indeed called Bilbo brother.

He was a shorter, stout man in his early 30s, though scientists and gay fashion critics agree he looked 10-15 years older. He had some sort of floppy hairdo, which hadn't been in fashion since never. He wore wire-framed glasses, had some jowlin' going on, and a voice as high and nerdy as they come. Now, surely with an outside this... eccentric, he must have had an inside as pure and lovely as Jennifer Love Hewitt's bosoms. But oh no. The Master of all Creation was thinking something new with this guy came from the E-Z Bake Person Maker. He was thinking outside the box.

Mole Man was and is an elitist. He would practically have an epileptic seizure when I would suggest something written by Mark Millar. He would talk occasionally of how popular things suck. Really, I didn't interact with him much when he came in sporadically. It's what I discovered afterwards that made him worthy of such purple prose of which I am spittin' like I is on fire.

Mole Man has a LiveJournal. That is sad. That is slit-your-wrists sad that he has one at 35. That is seriously-go-drink-bleach sad that he has LJ "dramas" that a teenager would eschew as immature. Turns out he's something of a creeper and not one for the ladies (I am as shocked as you are) so he's had some troubles with that. His journal is a love affair with music fit for any old hipster to pretend to like. He also is a huge Anglophile. Now the things with Anglophiles is that I've found they're either lonely women who aren't attractive enough for American men, or dudes that hold pretentions, enjoy boring things, and secretly smoke pole. Don't believe me? It's on Wikipedia! (May not be on Wikipedia) So this a-hole's idea of Heaven is a lifetime of Doctor Who episodes and 2000AD comics... two things 98% of the greatest country in the world could give two flying fucks about. (The U.S. hates them too. I was referring to the country of Estonia earlier)

This jackoff also wrote a couple of posts about how me and my comic shop sucked. Apparently we don't order enough Ghost World and don't spin enough Roxy Music. I know, it's weird seeing as how there's a huge market for that stuff in the suburbs of the South. I don't know what we were thinking. Well, now I have a post about how his divorced-and-his-wife-has-a-kid-with-another-dude-how-emasculating-is-that ass. Oh, and people agreed with me that he looked like Mole Man. Haw!

P.S. He brought this other big nerd in once, and the guy looked at this rare Red Skull Heroclix (don't ask) and said "$20! I can find this on eBay for $5!" or something, to which I have the helpful suggestion of "You better get your ass online, then!" Idiot.